I value this community, and view many here as “iFriends,” and I have noticed that some of you post things about our personal lives occasionally. So I wanted to post a personal update.
My wife passed away on March 28 after a long fight with disability and severe chronic pain. We were married for nearly 34 years and together for nearly 36. She became disabled in 1998 and her health got progressively worse over the years until she finally succumbed. While I am glad she is no longer suffering, it has been a terrible loss.
We lived with her parents in one home for the past 12 years, and we were all caregivers for her. They moved to California in June to be close to my wife’s brother and his family. Suddenly being alone rather than in a home with three other adults and a dog has been part of my adjustment.
Since my wife passed, I have gone through her memorial service, sorting through and dispositioning all of her stuff, an estate sale, rehoming our dog, buying a condo and starting renovations, selling and closing on the house, and packing and moving. I had to do all of that myself since my in-laws had moved, but that was probably a good thing.
I’m now living through the condo renovations with no functional kitchen, living room, dining room, master bedroom, or master bathroom for some number of weeks. I basically live in my office and guest bedroom surrounded by boxes. Fun times.
It has obviously been very emotional. It will be a long time before I am able to adjust fully to a new normal, but all I can do is work through it one day at a time.
In the meantime, it is helpful to be able to take my mind off of all of that seriousness by following the Chargers and participating in the forum here. Thanks to all of you for making it a positive experience.
Sorry for such a heavy post just before the season starts, but I appreciate the opportunity. It is cathartic. Thanks for your support.
Hey Tau – It’s been great meeting you on this board. Although I occasionally disagree with them, your insights are always well reasoned and extremely well researched. I have learned a lot from you over the years.
Character is best tested in adversity. You giving so much of yourself to care for your wife is a testament to your amazing character. I think I’ve told you that I started a healthcare company that now runs physical therapy clinics. We see many people with disabilities, with some of the worst being neuro-related. I’ve seen many families rally to support the afflicted person and it always amazes me the love & goodness in those people’s hearts. I’ve also seen people who’ve been discarded, which is incredibly sad. Your wife was extremely lucky to have you as a husband.
Life is never what we planned. How you react to life’s situation define who you are as a person. You are an amazing person.
I have a niece that lives in VA – A bit of a drive from you, but not too far. My brother & his wife are planning to spend Thanksgiving with them. My wife & I (and our 2 daughters) are talking about driving up. If you have no plans, it would be great to have you spend Thanksgiving with us. It would actually be doing me a huge favor as I will have someone other than my brother to watch football with…
Kev, I agree it has been great meeting you here (and before at BFTB).
My wife had a long journey. I have seen all of what you describe here. I have seen many other patients in various settings who did not seem to have anyone to advocate on their behalf. I was sad for them. I was glad I could do that for my wife, recognizing how important that was. But, like you said, I have also met many amazing families who were supporting a loved one who was a chronic pain patient.
Perhaps what I did is a testament to my character. I have been praised a lot by people over the years for what I did. My typical response was along the lines of saying, anyone who truly loves their spouse or family member would do what I did… but, fortunately, very few people find themselves in this situation. In other words, I have always felt that a lot more people would do what I did if they had to do it. So I don’t feel particularly special because of what I did. I’m quite certain my wife would have done the same if our situations were reversed (and done it better!). And I would have given anything to reverse it and take her pain onto me. I would have done that without a second thought. Alas.
Anyway. That is so nice of you to invite me to Thanksgiving. I mean, wow. Thank you so much for that. I love the idea of watching Thanksgiving football with you. However, I’ll be having Thanksgiving with my Mom. I’ll take a raincheck on meeting you in person another time.
Thank you so much for your friendship and support.
Tau, I’m so sorry to hear this news. I can’t imagine how hard this has been to emotionally navigate.
There’s a small detail in your story that made me smile. Married for 34, together for 36… that’s a quick turnaround! You clearly knew what you wanted and went after it! That, along with your devotion in caretaking for her speaks so much on your character and how you truly lived out your vows.
Whatever YOU need in this space to help you through this, let it rip. If you ever want to share a happy memory with us so we can get to know her better, we’re all ears. If you need someone to call and vent to at some point, let me know. Just please don’t put yourself in a place where you think you have to go through this alone.
Thanks, Kyle. Your second paragraph made me smile. I appreciate your support and the fact that you created this great community.
You guys are awesome. I figured I would get a lot of support in response to this post, and that is what you all have provided. It’s exactly why I felt comfortable posting this in the first place. Thanks to all of you.
Sorry to hear Tau, I can’t even imagine. I hope the Chargers and this community can give you something to smile about on your road ahead.
Thanks, BB. I really appreciate your post and support.
Tau,
Here for you brother anytime you need as you already know. Hopefully the Chargers and this forum can help provide a positive distraction from the grief. All the best.
Thanks, Erick. You have been very supportive, and I appreciate it.
Tau, if your committment to this community is anything to go by then I’m sure that your wife enjoyed a wonderful life with you by her side. I’ve been with my wife for 8 years so I only know some of the bond that a life together builds, to lose that is unspeakably painful but I can only imagine the lifetime of memories you had together over almost four decades. I hope thinking of them brings you peace when the time is right to allow them to.
The Chargers mean a lot to all of us but now I will have double the reason to smile during the best moments of this upcoming season as I will think of how it might lift your day. I look forward to talking ball across this season and to you inevitably finding the numerical flaws to my data presentations (an act which I always value). I’ll echo what the other guys have said that if you are ever in need of support or distraction just know that you’ll have it from this community. I wish you the best and I look forward to your valuable contributions whenever you’re ready to share them.
Ryan, thanks. This is a great post, and I appreciate it.
I think you give me too much credit about finding the numerical flaws, but I appreciate the compliement.
Tau, I’m so very sorry to hear this. I know the grief of losing a spouse. Pam passed unexpectedly on 4/10/2013….only 46 yrs old. I’m still adjusting.
Grief is a personal journey with no true guidebook. The stages of grief aren’t neat and orderly. The recovery, if you will, isn’t a consistently upward progression at all.
We’ve had our tense moments here but I want you to know…..I understand what you’re experiencing and am available if you need someone to listen. Don’t hesitate for any reason.
Wishing you my deepest condolences and all the best moving forward. Be patient with yourself. Your life together wasn’t built overnight. Your adjustment and acceptance won’t be either. Give yourself time and grace, keep a grateful and hopeful heart. I’m certain your wife would want you to rebuild your happiness. Keep that thought close.
Buck, I’m sorry to hear you lost your wife at age 46. I have some sense of how that probably impacted you. My condolences, and I’m not surprised to see you say you are still adjusting 13 years later.
I wish we had never had any tense moments. I appreciate you. Thanks for your post.
Thank you, Tau. Perhaps we both have more insight now into what has shaped our personalities. Let bygones be bygones, my friend.
I second Arne’s sentiments below, Tau.
We’re here for you while you adjust to this next stage of your life and it’s great that you’re comfortable sharing something so personal and challenging in this group. It suggests we have built a genuine community of friendship, and not only fandom.
Long may it continue.
I know you’re a big Steve P and Sam Monson fan so hopefully yday’s show provides another helpful distraction.
Thanks, Alister. I agree, this community is awesome. It’s why I felt okay sharing this.
I haven’t had time to listen to your show yet, but I really look forward to it, since I’m a big fan of all of you. Great job getting Sam as a guest!
Damn Tau, that is a heavy burden to bear. I wish I could say something to make it better but those type of words don’t exist. All I can say is that I genuinely wish you the best and will keep you in mind during a Chargers game in the future. May those be the mindclearing experiences you need. I will be rooting with you and your wife in mind this upcoming season. All the best my friend.
Warm regards
Arne
Thanks, Arne. I really appreciate your support.